Teaching Jewish Children about Antisemitism
Children who internalize that "some bad people don't like Jews" are more resilient than those protected from this negative knowledge.
When antisemitism made the news prior to October 7, 2023, we felt outrage mixed with a sense of deja vu. As upsetting as these incidents were, we recognized them as part of an age-old pattern. Today, that pattern is not so clear. Antisemitism is conflated with anti-Israelism, a concept to which unfortunately many Jews--notably those in the unaffiliated and liberal camps--adhere: the concept that Israel is responsible for most if not all of the ills of the Middle East.
Today there are massive demonstrations of masked and kaffiya-clad participants in major cities and on university campuses. Many conservative Christians, a group that used to be supporters of Israel, have now joined in the vitriol against us. Attacks against Jews are played down or ignored in the mainstream media.
In schools and colleges across the USA, Canada and Europe, Jews are seen as colonialist invaders of Israel and as the root of evil. As a result, many Jewish children, including the very young, are confused and distressed. At the same time, many parents are still stuck in the past, when the western world still felt guilt about the Holocaust, and antisemitism was not tolerated in polite society.
I believe that as part of their core sense of identity, Jewish children need to know two critical facts: first, that they are Jews, descendants of the people whose moral code formed the basis of the civilization of the western world; and second, that there are lots of bad people in the world, and some of those don't like Jews.
Very young children do not need any bigger explanation that that, but that much is, I believe, critical for their healthy development.
Identity and Differences
When children are presented with information that they are not cognitively able to comprehend, they will probably set it aside. When the day comes that that information is important, or when it is presented again at a time when they can comprehend, they have an Aha! moment that goes something like, "I knew there was more to it. Glad to have that confirmed, glad to have more info on that subject." Because the new information fills a blank that was already in the child's mind, hei is curious about it, but not shocked by it. It answers a question that he did not realize he had, but that had been put in his mind by the "developmentally inappropriateii" information that had been filed away months or years before.
Learning information about one's identity when young is important for any child. Issues faced by racially different children and those with obvious differences, such as physical anomalies or the need for adaptive equipment like braces or wheelchairs, are frequently the subject of discussion in the media. For Jewish children in the USA and other western countries, as well as for adopted children, their uniqueness may be almost invisible. However, it is no less true, and like any difference from the norm it may open them to unique challenges.
Because information about Jewish identity tends to be politically charged, I also looked at information about adoptees that I believe applies to our children. In the quotes below, please substitute “Jewish” for “adoption.”
"Talking about adoption early on means that when your child asks questions about who they are, you’ll already have the topic...incorporated into the conversation. It will be as natural as your connection with them and an essential part of their understanding of themselves.iii"
"...adoption for adoptees is part of their life story just as much as any other of the many characteristics that make any person the unique individual that he or she is. Being adopted is not and should not be treated as something to hide, something negative, or something that makes an adoptee less than ... By withholding this sort of information, adoptive parents are unintentionally communicating that their child’s adoption is bad in some way, and this is not good for a child at any age. iv"
Amanda L. Baden, an adoptee and a Ph.D. researcher, found that adoptees for whom the fact of their adoption was a basic part of their identity fared far better in life than those who learned later. She wrote, "Results indicated that those who learned of their adoptions from age 3 and older reported more distress and lower life satisfaction when controlling for the amount of time adoptees have known of their adoption statuses and their use of coping strategies.v"
In 1999 P.F. Langman wrotevi that compared to the past, "...Contemporary U.S. Jews are...less conscious of their heritage and more prone to internalized anti-Semitism." In other words, ignoring Judaism as an important part of a child's identity may lead to Jewish antisemitism.
A friend who adopted twins over 30 years ago told me that her boys, who have known since infanthood that they are Jewish and adopted, are comfortable both with their adoption and their Jewishness, in spite of their non-Jewish appearance. But, she continued, the children of a Jewish friend who did not tell her children they were adopted until they were approaching school age have had many identity problems.
“Protecting” Actually Hurts Kids
Antisemitic incidents have always been common, but they have not been discussed. After the Holocaust it became uncouth to mention Jew-hatred. A fascinating study on Jewish identity states, "Although all participants were aware of discrimination against Jews, only some had experienced it personally, and many seemed reluctant to label it as such.”vii
Jewish culture is different from mainstream American culture. Even completely assimilated families have customs that vary from the norm, regardless of the economic or social stratum in which they live. In general,
We are less likely to push our children into competitive sports
We are more likely to stress reading and academic success
We are more likely to have advanced degrees
We are less likely to have large family reunions or to decorate graves on Memorial Day
Even in assimilated or mixed families that celebrate Christmas and Easter, we are likely to do so with tension and without the focus on family traditions
We are less likely to go to dance clubs
“To party” to most Jews does not mean to get drunk
We have our own holidays
We may be reluctant to schedule things on Friday night or Saturday, prime times for socializing
There is also, in virtually every community, gossip where any differences between individuals or families are spread like the 24-hour flu, even to and by children.
In other words, even our young children know that there is a difference between them and others, and the others know it as well.
Non-Jewish children are often hurtful, sometimes totally innocently, sometimes repeating something they heard, and sometimes out of malice. A child whose basic identity is, "I am a Jew, being Jewish is great, and some bad people won't like me because of that," is much less likely to feel shame and guilt when faced with those kinds of experiences.
A child who has not been vaccinated against antisemitism has no coping mechanism for the moments when those incidents occur. They occurred 30 years ago when antisemitism was rarely discussed, and they occur at greater frequency, and possibly greater vitriol, today.
Betrayal
As a Jewish storyteller in the 1980s and 90s, I often gave workshops in telling one's personal stories. Whenever I shared an antisemitic incident from my childhood, children responded with incidents from their own lives. Almost without exception children began by saying, “I never told anyone this before.” They ended with two questions: “Do you think this was antisemitism?” and “Do you think maybe I’m not responsible for this happening, that I didn’t do something to deserve it?”
Telling children that an incident at school was not antisemitic when it might have been is hurtful; repeated assertions in the face of repeated, unprovoked negative experiences can be devastating. Denial of the truth is a lie. When the truth finally comes out, children who have been lied to lose trust in the teller. The adult has betrayed them.
Betrayal has been called "a psychological wound that cuts deep into our sense of security and self worth.viii" Trust may take many years to rebuild; the child may never recover completely. The lie can forever shatter the parent-child relationship.
Many of our children carry an appalling burden of guilt for having “caused” an anti-Semitic slur or attack by another child. Parents need to be honest and not whitewash difficult incidents. Unfortunately they are often used as occasions to berate children for rudeness, shyness or other failings that parents who want to avoid reality may project on them. The moments should be used as teachable moments about the harsh realities of life instead.
Religious schools, including Sunday Schools, should teach children about antisemitism, even though it might reflect badly on the heritage of one parent in a mixed marriage. In 1992 I often gave a storytelling program about the Inquisition and expulsion from Spain in 1492. At one Sunday School I was berated by the same principal who had hired me specifically to tell a story about the Inquisition. By telling that the Inquisition was a function of the Catholic Church hurt several children from Catholic-Jewish marriages, she told me. But reality is real. What safer place was there for children from those mixed marriages to learn about the Inquisition from a Jewish perspective than Sunday School?
Children need safe places to discuss their experiences. Even in a mixed marriage, a child may experience antisemitic behavior from young relatives on the "other" side. When something happens, the part-Jewish child is likely to be blamed by his parents, who imagine that their union has been fully accepted by the extended family, but who in actuality have their heads in the proverbial sand.
Conclusion
Jewish children in the USA and other western countries may be surrounded by Jew-hatred, overheard on the news if not experienced personally. I strongly recommend that parents include mention of antisemitism in conversation, and even mention casually to very young children, "Some bad people just don't like Jews." I say "casually" --with a shrug--because the less important antisemitic behavior seems to you, the less personally young children will take slurs thrown at them.
Include discussions of antisemitism, with more detail and history, as children are able to handle the information. Avoid graphic details as long as possible. Children take to comments such as "I'll tell you more when you are older" better than denial.
I felt passionately about this subject thirty years ago, when antisemitism was practically a forbidden topic. I feel more strongly about it today, when it is everywhere. Please inoculate your children against feeling ashamed of their Jewishness by ensuring that it, and the understanding that there are bad people who just happen to hate Jews, are parts of their basic sense of identity. This will help them deal with this harsh reality of life with confidence.
i I am using "he" because it is simpler than "he or she" or "s/he," and I am not comfortable using "they" for a singular child. This use of the pronoun "he" conforms with hundreds of years of English language usage. It in no way should be interpreted as excluding or minimizing females.
ii See my essay, "Developmentally appropriate--or not," published April 25, 2025, at https://www.tantehannawrites.com/p/developmentally-appropriate-or-not
iii Caldwell, M., Adoption Conversations: How & When to Tell a Child They're Adopted. Lifetime adoption.com, May 15, 2024, https://lifetimeadoption.com/adoptivefamilies-how-and-when-to-tell-a-child-they-are-adopted/, accessed May 6, 2025. Information in square brackets was added by me.
iv When Should I Tell My Child He's Adopted? Gladney Center for Adoption, Adoption.org, Feb. 27, 2020, https://adoption.org/tell-child-hes-adopted, accessed May 5, 2025. Information in square brackets added by me.
v Baden, AL, Shadel, D, Bates, TA, Delaying Adoption Disclosure: A survey of Late Discovery Adoptees, Journal of Family Issues, Vol. 40:9, May 14, 2019, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0192513X19829503, accessed May 6, 2025.
vi Langman, P. F. (1999). Jewish issues in multiculturalism: A handbook for educators and clinicians. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, quoted in Friedman M, Blustein D.L., and Friedlander, M., Toward an Understanding of Jewish Identity: A Phenomenological Study," Journal of Counseling Psychology, Janurary 2005, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232418315_Toward_an_Understanding_of_Jewish_Identity_A_Phenomenological_Study, accessed May 6, 2025.
vii ibid.
viii Neurolaunch Editorial Team, Betrayal: Exploring the Complex Emotional Experience, October 18, 2024, https://neurolaunch.com/is-betrayal-an-emotion/, accessed May 6, 2025.
https://www.aclu.org/news/immigrants-rights/fact-checking-family-separation